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Ms A 28v

[28v°] I was perfectly cured and needed no further attention. Alas! my trial was only commencing! The next day I had another attack similar to the first, and the sickness became so grave that, according to human calculations, I wasn’t to recover from it. I can’t describe this [5] strange sickness, but I’m now convinced it was the work of the devil. For a long time after my cure, however, I believed I had become ill on purpose and this was a real martyrdom for my soul.

I told Marie this and with her usual kindness she reassured me. I told it too in confession and my confessor tried to [10] calm me, saying it was not possible to pretend illness to the extent that I had been ill. God, willing no doubt to purify and especially to humble me, left me with this interior martyrdom until my entrance into Carmel, where the Father of our souls, as with the wave of his hand, removed all my doubts. Since then I am perfectly calm.

[15] It isn’t surprising that I feared having appeared sick when I wasn’t sick in reality because I said and did things that were not in my mind. I appeared to be almost always delirious, saying things that had no meaning. And still I am sure that I was not deprived of the use of my reason for one single instant. I often appeared to be in a faint, [20] not making the slightest movement, and then I would have permitted anyone to do anything he wished, even to kill me, and yet I heard everything that was said around me and can still remember everything. Once it happened that for a long time I was without the power to open my eyes and to open them an instant when I was alone.

I believe the devil had received an external power over me but

 


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