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Ms A 38r

[38r°] Himself alone, answered my prayer already “changing into bitterness all the consolations of earth.” I needed this all the more as I would not have been indifferent to praise. They often spoke highly of the intelligence of others in my presence, but of mine they never said a word, and so I concluded I didn’t have any and was resigned to [5] see myself deprived of it.

My heart, sensitive and affectionate as it was, would have easily surrendered had it found a heart capable of understanding it. I tried to make friends with little girls my own age, and especially with two of them. I loved them and they, in their turn, loved me insofar as they were capable. But alas! [10] how narrow and flighty is the heart of creatures! Soon I saw my love was misunderstood. One of my friends was obliged to go back to her family and she returned to school a few months later. During her absence, I had thought about her, treasuring a little ring she had given me. When I saw my companion back again my joy was great, but [15] all I received from her was a cold glance. My love was not understood. I felt this and I did not beg for an affection that was refused, but God gave me a heart which is so faithful that once it has loved purely, it loves always. And I continued to pray for my companion and I still love her. When I noticed Céline showing affection for one of her teachers, I [20] wanted to imitate her, but not knowing how to win the good graces of creatures, I was unable to succeed. O blessed ignorance! which has helped me avoid great evils! How can I thank Jesus for making me find “only bitterness in earth’s friendships!” With a heart such as mine, I would have allowed myself to be taken and my wings to be clipped, and then how would I have been able to “fly and be at rest?” How can a heart given over to the affection of creatures be intimately united with God? I feel this is not possible. Without having drunk the poisoned cup

 


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