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Ms A 27r

[27r°] such brightness when my soul was flooded with sadness! Perhaps, dear Mother, you find I am exaggerating the pain I was experiencing? I readily admit that it should not have been as great, since I had the hope of finding you again in Carmel; [5] but my soul was FAR from being mature, and I was to pass through many crucibles of suffering before attaining the end I so much desired.

October 2 was the day set for my return to the Abbey, and I had to go there in spite of my sadness. In the afternoon, Aunt came to get us to go to Carmel and I saw my Pauline behind [10] the grille. Ah! how I suffered from this visit to Carmel! Since I am writing the story of my soul, I must tell my dear Mother everything, and I admit that the sufferings which preceded your entrance were nothing in comparison with those which followed it. Every Thursday we went as a family to Carmel and I, accustomed to talk heart to heart with Pauline, obtained with great [15] trouble two or three minutes at the end of the visit. It is understood, of course, that I spent them in crying and left with a broken heart. I didn’t understand that it was through consideration for Aunt that you were directing your words to Jeanne and Marie instead of speaking to your little girls. I didn’t understand and I said in the depths of my heart: “Pauline [20] is lost to me!” It is surprising to see how much my mind developed in the midst of suffering; it developed to such a degree that it wasn’t long before I became sick.

The sickness which overtook me certainly came from the demon; infuriated by your entrance into Carmel, he wanted to take revenge on me for the wrong our family was to do him in the future. But he did not know that the



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