The yellow notebook - July 1897

JULY

Two sources furnish us with a rich documentation for the month of July: the two hundred and thirty-eight statements that form one-third of the "Yellow Notebook, " and the thirty-four letters that speak of Thérèse, the greater part addressed to the Guérin family on vacation at La Musse. The latter permit us to follow the progress of the tuber­culosis step by step.

After an apparent respite at the end of June, great and repeated hemoptyses began on July 6 and 7. Complete immobility, ice, and other remedies removed any immediate danger. On the evening of July 8, the patient was taken down to the infirmary on the ground floor.

The hemoptyses began again very soon. Doctor de Cornière no longer had any hope of a cure. On July 29, her condition worsened to such an extent that she was anointed the following day. They thought she would not pass the night.

At the beginning of the month, Thérèse had to abandon the writing of her manuscript. Her task was completed, and that of Mother Agnes of Jesus was about to begin. At the bedside of her little sister, the future "historian" (see July 29, no. 7) questioned and received in­structions. Through childhood memories evoked by the patient, reflections on her religious experience, reactions to her physical and spiritual sufferings, the real Thérèse expressed herself with great spon­taneity. Her "little way" must be transmitted to as great a number of people as possible. July was the month of prophetic intuitions on her future mission.

Thérèse wrote thirteen letters (in pencil) during this month.

July 2

She went for the last time before the Blessed Sacrament in the oratory in the afternoon; but she was at the end of her strength. I saw her look at the Host for a long time and I guessed it was without any consolation but with much peace in her heart.

I recall that in the morning after the Mass, when the community was going to the oratory to make thanksgiving, no one thought of helping her. She walked very quietly close to the wall. I didn’t  dare offer her my arm.

July 3.

1.    One of our friends had died,' and Dr. de Cornière had spoken about her illness in the presence of Thérèse; she had a tumor that he was not able to define exactly. This case interested him very much from the medical viewpoint. "What a pity I was unable to make an autopsy, " he said. She said later:

"Ah! it's in this way that we are indifferent towards one another on earth! Would he say the same thing if it were a question of his own mother or sister? Oh! how I would love to leave this sad world!"

2.    I was confiding to her my thoughts of sorrow and discouragement after having committed a fault:

"You don't act like me. When I commit a fault that makes me sad, I know very well that this sadness is a consequence of my infidelity, but do you believe I remain there? Oh! no, I'm not so foolish! I hasten to say to God: My God, I know I have merited this feeling of sadness, but let me offer it up to You just the same as a trial that You sent me through love. I'm sorry for my sin, but I'm happy to have this suf­fering to offer to You."

3.    "How is it that you want to die with your trial against faith that Jeanne-Marie Primois.

doesn 't come to an end?" I asked:

"Ah! but I really believe in the Thief ! It's upon heaven that everything bears. How strange and incomprehensible it is!"  

4.    Since milk made her sick and since she was unable to take anything else at this time, Dr. de Cornière had prescribed a kind of condensed milk that was to be obtained at the pharmacists's under the name of "lait maternisé. " This prescription, for various reasons, caused her pain, and when she saw the bottles arrive, she began to shed warm tears.

In the afternoon, she felt the need of going out of herself, and she said to us with a sad and gentle look:

"I need some food for my soul; read a life of a saint to me." "Do you want the life of St. Francis of Assisi? This will distract you when he speaks of the little birds. "

"No, not to distract me, but to see some samples of humility."

5.    , " "When you are dead, they will place a palm in your hand: I said "Yes, but I'll have to let it go whenever I want to, in order to give graces by the handful to my little Mother. I will have to do everything that will be pleasing to me."

6.    In the evening:

"Even the saints are abandoning me! I was begging St. Anthony during Matins to find our handkerchief that I lost. Do you think he answered me? He did no such thing! But it doesn't make any dif­ference; I told him I loved him just the same."

7.                "During Matins I saw the stars twinkling, and then I heard the Divine Office, and this pleased me."

                The window of her cell was opened

July 4.

1.    "God has helped me, and I have gained the upper hand over the matter of the milk."

2.    In the evening:

"Our Lord died on the Cross in agony, and yet this is the most beautiful death of love. This is the only one that was seen; no one saw that of the Blessed Virgin. To die of love is not to die in transports. I tell you frankly, it seems to me that this is what I am experiencing."

3.     I exclaimed: "Oh, what a feeling I have that you 're going to suf­fer!"

"What does it matter! Suffering can attain extreme limits, but I'm sure God will never abandon me."

4.    "I'm very grateful to Father Alexis; he did me much good. Father Pichon treated me too much like a child; however, he did me much good also by telling me I'd not committed a mortal sin."

July 5.

1. I was talking to her about my weak points, and she said:

"I have my weaknesses also, but I rejoice in them. I don't always succeed either in rising above the nothings of this earth; for example, I will be tormented by a foolish thing I said or did. Then I enter into myself, and I say: Alas, I'm still at the same place as I was formerly! But I tell myself this with great gentleness and without any sadness!

It's so good to feel that one is weak and little!"

2.    "Don't be sad about seeing me sick, little Mother, for you can see

how happy God makes me. I'm always cheerful and content."

3.    After looking at a picture representing Our Lord with two little children, the smaller one having climbed up on His lap, the other, standing at His feet, kissing His hand:

"I'm this very little one who has climbed up on His lap, who is lif­ting his little head and is caressing Jesus without any fear. The other little one doesn't please me as much; he's acting like an adult. He's been told something, and he knows he must have respect for Jesus."

July 6.

1.    She had just coughed up some blood; I said: "You're going to leave us then?"

"I am not. Father said to Me: 'You're going to have to perform a great sacrifice in leaving your sisters.' I answered: 'But, Father, I find I'm not leaving them; on the contrary, I'll be closer to them after my death.' "

2.    "I think that as far as my death is concerned I'll have to have the same patience regarding it as I had to have in the other great events of my life. Look: I entered Carmel when I was young, and yet, after everything had been decided, I had to wait three months; for my taking of the Habit, the same thing; for my Profession, the same thing again. Well, for my death, it will be the same thing; it will come soon, but I'll still have to wait for it."

3.    "When I'm in heaven, I'll advance towards God like Sister Elizabeth's little niece, standing in front of the parlor grilles. You know how, when she recited her piece, and finished with a curtsy, she raised her arms, and said: 'Happiness to all those whom I love.'

"God will say to me: 'What do you want, my little child?' And I'll answer: 'Happiness for all those whom I love.' Then I'll do the same thing before all the saints."

I said to her: "You're really happy today; I feel you've seen the Thief "

"Yes, each time I am sicker I see Him again. But even though I were not to see Him, I love Him so much that I'm always content with what He does. I wouldn't love Him less if He were not to come and steal me away; it's just the opposite. When He misleads me, I pay Him all sorts

of compliments, and He doesn't know what to do with me."

4.    "I read a beautiful passage in the Reflections of the Imitation. It was a thought from Father de Lamennais, but it is still very beautiful. (She believed, and we did too, that this Father de Lamennais had died impenitent.)

"Our Lord enjoyed all the delights of the Trinity when He was in the garden of Olives, and still His agony was none the less cruel. It's a mystery, but I assure you that I understand something about it by what I'm experiencing myself."

5.    I had placed a vigil light before the Virgin of the Smile in order to receive the favor that Thérèse stop coughing up blood.

"You're not rejoicing then that I'm dying! Ah, for me to rejoice, it's necessary that I continue to cough up blood. However, it's ended for today!"

6.     It was 8:15 in the evening, and I brought her lamp which they had forgotten to bring up to her; I also did a few other little services for her. She was very much touched and said:

"You've always acted this way towards me. I cannot express my gratitude to you." Then drying her tears:

"I'm crying because I'm so touched by everything you've done for me since my childhood. Ah, what I owe you! But when I'm in heaven, I'll tell the truth; I'll tell all the saints: It's my little Mother who gave me all that pleases you in me."

7.     "When will the Last Judgment take place? Oh, I wish it were at

this very moment! And what will happen afterwards?"

8.     "I'm making very many little sacrifices."

July 7.

1. After she had coughed up blood once more: Baby        is going to go to see God very soon."

 I asked: "Are you afraid of death now that you see it so close?" "Ah, less and less?"

Do you fear the Thief? This time He's at the door. " "No, He's not at the door; He's inside! But what are you saying, lit­tle Mother! Do I fear the Thief ! How can I fear one whom I love so much!"

2.   I asked her to explain what happened when she made her Act of Oblation to Merciful Love. First she said:

"Little Mother, I told you this when it took place, but you paid no attention to me."

This was true; I'd given her the impression that I placed no im­portance on what she was saying.

"Well, I was beginning the Way of the Cross; suddenly, I was seized with such a violent love for God that I can't explain it except by saying it felt as though I were totally plunged into fire. Oh! What fire and what sweetness at one and the same time! I was on fire with love, and I felt that one minute more, one second more, and I wouldn't be able to sustain this ardor without dying. I understood, then, what the saints were saying about these states which they experienced so often. As for me, I experienced it only once and for one single instant, falling back immediately into my habitual state of dryness."

And later on:

"At the age of fourteen, I also experienced transports of love. Ah! how I loved God! But it wasn't at all as it was after my Oblation to Love; it wasn't a real flame that was burning me."

3.   "This saying of Job: 'Although he should kill me, I will trust in him," has fascinated me from my childhood. But it took me a long time before I was established in this degree of abandonment. Now I am there; God has placed me there. He took me into His arms and placed me there."

4.   I begged her to say a few edifying and friendly words to Dr. de Cornière:

"Ah! little Mother, this isn't my little style. Let Doctor de Cornière think what he wants. I love only simplicity; I have a horror for 'pretense.' I assure you that to do what you want would be bad on my part."

5.    "In fact, I could give him the impression that I'm really sick. Never shall I forget the scene this morning" when I was coughing up blood; Doctor de Cornière had a puzzled look."

6.    "See, it's for your sake that God treats me so sweetly. No more vesicatories, nothing but gentle remedies. I am suffering, but not enough to make me cry."

After a moment, with a mischievous look:

"However, He did send us trials that could have caused us to cry and still we didn't cry."

She was referring to our great family trial. As for the "gentle

remedies, " these weren't long lasting, and her sufferings were terrible.

7.    "I'm just like a poor 'little gray wolf' that really wants to go back into the forest, but he is forced to live in houses."

Our father, at Les Buissonnets, used to call her sometimes "my lit­tle gray wolf. "

8.    "I just saw a little sparrow on the garden wall, waiting patiently for its parents; from time to time, it gave forth its little chirp, calling them to come and give it a mouthful of food. I thought it was like me."

9.    I told her that I enjoyed compliments: "I'll remember that when I'm in heaven."

July 8.

1.    She was so sick there was talk of giving her Extreme Unction. That day, she was taken down from her cell to the infirmary; she was no longer able to stand up, and she had to be carried down. While still in her cell, and knowing they were thinking of anointing her, she said in a tone of joy:

"It seems to me that I'm dreaming! However, they aren't fools." She meant Father Youf, the chaplain, and Doctor de Cornière.

"I fear only one thing: that all this will change."

2.    She was trying to recall sins she could have committed through her senses in order to confess them before being anointed; we were considering the sense of smell, and she said:

"I remember during my last trip from Alençon to Lisieux that I used a bottle of eau de Cologne which was given to me by Mme. Tifenne (a friend of the family), and I did this with pleasure."

3.    We all wanted to talk to her at once:

"Lots of people who have something to say!"

4.    She was overflowing with joy and was trying to communicate it to us:

"If, when I am in heaven, I can't come and play little games with you on earth, I will go and cry in a little corner.'"

5.    To me:

"You have a long nose; it will serve you well later on.'"

6.   Looking at her emaciated hands:

"I'm becoming a skeleton already, and that pleases me."

7.    "I will tell you something: very soon I'm going to be dying. . . . It reminds me of a greased pole; I've made more than one slip, then,

all of a sudden there I am at the top!"

8.    "I would rather be reduced to ashes than to be preserved like St. Catherine of Bologna. I know only St. Crispino, who came forth from the tomb with honor."

The body of this Saint is admirably preserved in the Franciscan monastery at Rome.

9.    Speaking to herself:

"It's really something to be in one's agony! But what does it matter

after all! I have sometimes agonized over foolish things."

10.  With a serious and gentle look, I don't recall any longer the oc­casion, but she had been misunderstood:

"The Blessed Virgin did well to keep all these things in her 'little' heart. . . . They can't be angry with me for doing as she did."

11.  "The little angels amused themselves very much by playing little tricks on me. They all tried to hide from me the light which was showing me my approaching end."

I asked: "Did they hide the Blessed Virgin from you?" "No, the Blessed Virgin will never be hidden from me, for 1 love her too much."

12.  "I want to be anointed very much; let them laugh at me af­terwards if they want to."

She meant that the Sisters could laugh if she were restored to health, for she knew that some of them didn't think she was in danger of death.

13.  "Oh, certainly, I shall cry when I see God! No, we can't cry in heaven. Yes, we can, since it is said: 'And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.' '"

14.   "I'll offer you my little fruits of joy such as God gives them to me.

"In heaven, I shall obtain many graces for those who did good to me. For my little Mother, everything. You won't even be able to make use of them all, there will be so many for you to enjoy.'"

15.   "If you only knew how gentle God will be with me! But if He is the least bit not gentle, I'll still find Him gentle. ... If I go to purgatory, I'll be very content, I'll do like the three Hebrews in the furnace," I'll walk around in the flames singing the canticle of Love. Oh, how happy I will be, if when going to purgatory I can deliver other souls, suffering in their place, for then I would be doing good, I would be delivering captives."

16.  She warned me that later on a great number of young priests, knowing she had been given as spiritual sister to two missionaries,will ask the same favor from the Carmel. She told me that this could become a great danger:

"Any Sister could write what I have written and would receive the same compliments, the same confidence. But it's only through prayer and sacrifice that we can be useful to the Church. Correspondence should be very rare, and it mustn't be permitted at all for certain religious who would be preoccupied with it, believing they're doing marvels, and would be doing nothing really but harming themselves and perhaps falling into the devil's subtle traps."

With further insistence:

   "Mother, what I've just told you is very important; I beg you not to forget it later on. At Carmel, we should never make any false currency in order to redeem souls. And often the beautiful words we write and the beautiful words we receive are an exchange of false money."

17.  To make us laugh:

"I would rather be placed in a little Gennin box, not in a coffin." Someone had sent the Carmel some beautiful artificial flowers in long, well-seasoned wooden boxes from "Maison Gennin" at Paris.

18       It makes us so good when we suffer something; it leads to more regular observance and charity."

July 9.

1. She didn 't want any sadness around her, nor at Uncle's home:

"I want them all to have a 'good time' at La Musse. I'm having a spiritually good time all day long."

"This 'good time' can't be very happy, " I said: "I find it very happy."

2.    "Sister Geneviève will need me. . . . However, I will come back."

3.    After the Father Superior's visit, I made the remark that she didn 't know how to use the proper tactics to receive Extreme Unction, that she didn't appear to be sick in the least when receiving these visits:

"I don't know the trade!"

4.    "I would love to go! .. ."

5.    I said: "You will probably die on July 16, the feast of Our Lady of Mount Carmel, or on August 6, the feast of the Holy Face. "

"Eat 'dates' as much as you want; I myself no longer want to eat

any. . . . I have been too much taken in by dates."*

6.    "Why should I be protected more than anyone else from the fear

of death? I won't say like St. Peter: 'I will never deny you.' "

7.    We were speaking about "holy poverty. "

"Holy poverty! How funny to speak of a 'holy one' who will never enter heaven ! "

Mother Agnes says elsewhere: "the trade of trickery."

8.    I was somewhat troubled:

"My love should be a consolation to you." To those who were present:

"I'm going to manage everything for my little Mother." In the evening, to me alone:

"Oh! then, I've not been mistaken; I know very well that everything

you do for me is done through love. . . ."

9.    We had caught a mouse in the infirmary, and she made up a whole story about it, begging us to bring her the wounded mouse so that she could put it in bed by her side and have the doctor examine it. We laughed very much over this, and she was happy for having distracted us.

July 10.

1.    "Little children are not damned."

2.    "What you have written could very well one day go to the Holy Father. "

Laughing:

"Et nunc et semper!"

3.    Showing me with a childish gesture the picture of the Blessed Virgin nursing the child Jesus, she said:

"There's something that's good milk; you must tell Dr. de Cornière that."

4.    It was Saturday, and she had coughed up blood at midnight: "The Thief had made His mamma a thief. ... So she came at mid­night to force the Thief out of hiding; or else she came all alone because the Thief didn't want to come."

5.    "They will not make me last one minute longer than the Thief wants."

6.    To me alone:

"You go to too much trouble over things that aren't worth any trouble."

7.    With a smile:

"When you've done something like this, what is even much worse is

that you fear the consequences too much. ..."

8.    "You're like a timid little bird that hasn't lived among people; you're always afraid of being caught. I haven't any fear of anyone; I have always gone where I pleased. I always slipped by them."

9.    Holding her Crucifix, after having kissed it at three in the af­ternoon,'' she was acting as though she wanted to remove the crown and the nails.

10.  Returning to her accident during the night, she said in a char­ming way, looking at the picture of the Blessed Virgin attached to the curtain of her bed:

"The Blessed Virgin isn't a thief by nature. . . . But ever since she had her Son, He taught her the trade. . . ." After a pause:

"However, the Child Jesus is still too small to have ideas like that. . . . He hardly thinks of stealing when on His Mother's breast. . . . Yes! He's already thinking like this, He knows well enough He will come to steal me." "At what age?" "At twenty-four."

11.  We were speaking about death and the distortions brought upon the features at the moment of death. She said:

"If this happens for me, don't be sad, for immediately afterwards I'll have nothing but smiles."

Sister Geneviève was looking at the lid of a baptismal case, saying that the beautiful head she saw there would serve her as a model for the head of an angel. Our little Thérèse really wanted to see it, but no one thought of showing it to her, and she didn't ask. I learned this later on.

12.  "What will I have to think when I see the window of your cell when you have already left this earth ? My heart will be heavy. "

"Ah! you will think that I'm very happy, that there I struggled and suffered very much. . . . I would have been content to die there."

13.  (DuringMatins)

It came into her head that she wasn't seriously ill, that the doctor was mistaken about her state of health. She told me about these trials and added:

"If my soul had not been filled in advance with abandonment to God's will, if it had been necessary that it let itself be submerged by these feelings of joy and sadness that succeed each other so quickly on this earth, this would have been a bitter pain, and I could not have borne it. But these changes only touch the surface of my soul. . . .

Ah! nevertheless, they are great trials!"

14.  "I believe it isn't the blessed Virgin who is playing these tricks on me! . . . She is forced to do so by God! ... He tells her to try me so that I give further proofs to Him of my abandonment and love."

15.  To me alone:

"You're always there to console me. . . . You fill my last days with sweetness."

July 11.

1. She recited the whole stanza:

Since the Son of God willed that His Mother Be subjected to the night, to anguish of heart, It is, then, a good thing to suffer on earth?

Etc....................................................... *

"You don't see her any longer, the thief?"

"Yes, I see her! You don't understand! She is really free not to steal me. . . . Ah! 'I looked to the right, and there was no one who knew me.' God alone can understand me."

2.    During Matins. She spoke to me about her prayers of former days, in the summer evenings during the periods of silence, and she understood then by experience what a "flight of the spirit" was." She spoke to me about another grace of this kind which she received in the grotto of St. Mary Magdalene, in the month of July, 1889, a grace followed by several days of "quietude.

". . . It was as though a veil had been cast over all the things of this earth for me. ... I was entirely hidden under the Blessed Virgin's veil. At this time, I was placed in charge of the refectory, and I recall doing things as though not doing them; it was as if someone had lent

me a body. I remained that way for one whole week."

3.    I was speaking to her about the manuscript of her Life, about the good it would do to souls.

"... But how well they will understand that everything comes from God; and what I shall have of glory from it will be a gratuitous gift from God that doesn't belong to me; everybody will see this clearly. ..."

4.    She spoke to me about the Communion of Saints, and she told me how the goods of one would be the goods of another:

". . . Just as a mother is proud of her children, so also we shall be proud of each other, having not the least bit of jealousy."

5.    "Alas! how little I've lived! Life always appeared short to me. My childhood days, these seem but of yesterday!"  

6.   "One could believe that it is because I haven't sinned that I have such great confidence in God. Really tell them, Mother, that if I had committed all possible crimes, I would always have the same con­fidence; I feel that this whole multitude of offenses would be like a drop of water thrown into a fiery furnace. You will then tell the story about the converted sinner who died of love; souls will understand im­mediately, for it's such a striking example of what I'm trying to say.

However, these things cannot be expressed in words."

7.   In the evening, she quoted this stanza from "The Young Con­sumptive, "Ibelieve. She did it with great charm:

My day declines, earth's scene for me shall fade.

A last farewell, my dear one, draweth near;

Thy guarding glance through all shall be my aid,

And Autumn's falling leaves call forth thy prayer.

8.    ". . . There's great peace in my soul. . . . My little boat is sailing once again. I know I shall not return, but I am resigned to remain sick for several months, as long as God wills it."

(*) Novissima Verba adds:

This is the story exactly as she related it to me:

"It is related in the Lives of the Fathers of the Desert that one of them converted a woman who was a public sinner, and whose evil life had scandalized the entire coun­tryside. Touched by grace, that poor sinner followed the Saint into the desert, there to carry out rigorous penance. On the very first night of the journey, however, even before she had come to the place of her retreat, her earthly ties were snapped by the violence of her repentant love. At that very moment, the holy man saw her soul being carried by angels up to the very bosom of God. This is a striking example of what I mean butxan- not express."

9. "How God has ored you! What do you think of this predilec­tion?"

"I think that 'the Spirit of God breathes where he wills.' "

July 12.

1.    She told me that formerly she had to undergo a rough battle with regard to a lamp to be prepared for Mother Marie de Gonzague's family that arrived unexpectedly to spend the night in the extern Sisters' quarters. The struggle was so violent, there came such thoughts against authority into her mind, that, not to give in to them, she had to implore God's help with insistence. At the same time, she applied herself as well as she could to what had been demanded of her. It was during the night silence. She was portress, and Sister St. Raphael was first in charge:

"To conquer myself I imagined I was preparing the lamp for the Blessed Virgin and the Child Jesus; and then I did it with an incredible care, not leaving on it the least speck of dust, and, little by little, I felt a great appeasement and a great sweetness. Matins sounded, and I was not able to go to it immediately, but 1 experienced such a disposition of mind, I had received such a grace, that if Sister St. Raphael had come and had said, for example, that I was mistaken about the lamp, that I had to prepare another, I would have obeyed her happily. From that day, I made the resolution never to consider whether the things commanded me appeared useful or not."

2.   Sister Marie of the Eucharist was saying that I was admirable: "Admirable Mother! Oh! no, rather amiable Mother, because love is worth more than admiration."

3. To Mother Marie de Gonzague:

"I hold nothing in my hands. Everything I have, everything I merit is for the Church and for souls. If I were to live to eighty, I will always be as poor as I am now."

July 13.

1.    "I really see I will have to watch over the fruits when I am in heaven, but you must not kill the birds, or else people will not send you alms."

Swinging her arms gently towards the picture of the Child Jesus: "Yes, yes!"

2.    "God will have to carry out my will in heaven because I have never done my own will here on earth."

3.    "You will look down upon us from heaven, won't you?" "No, I will come down!"

4.    During the night, she composed the couplet for Holy Com­munion:

"You who know, etc."

At the process of beatification and canonization, Mother Agnes stated: "During the night of July 12, she composed this couplet as a preparation for Holy communion:

You who know my extreme littleness, You don't hesitate to lower Yourself to me! Come into my heart, O white Host that 1 love, Come into my heart, for it longs for You! Ah, I desire that Your goodness would let me Die of Love after receiving this favor. Jesus! Listen to my tender cry. Come into my heart!

With reference to it, she said:

"I composed it very easily; it's extraordinary. I believed I could no longer compose any verses."

5.     "I don't say: 'Although it is hard to live in Carmel, it is sweet to die there,' but: 'Although it is sweet to live in Carmel, it is still sweeter to die there.' "

6.     The doctor had found her better than usual. Then holding her side from which she was suffering very much, she said:

"Yes, yes, she's much better than usual! . . ."

7.     It seemed to me she was down-hearted in spite of her happy mood, and I said: "It's for our sake that you take on this happy mood and say these cheerful things, isn't it?"

"I always act without any 'pretence.' "

8.     We offered her some Baudon wine. (A strength-giving wine)

"I don't want any earthly wine; I want to drink only the new wine in the kingdom of my Father."

9.   "When Sister Geneviève used to come to visit me, I wasn't able to say all I wanted to say in a half hour. Then, during the week, whenever I had a thought or else was sorry for having forgotten to tell her something, I would ask God to let her know and understand what I was thinking about, and in the next visit she'd speak to me exactly about the thing I had asked God to let her know.

"At the beginning, when she was really suffering and I was unable to console her, I would leave the visit with a heavy heart, but I soon understood it wasn't I who could console anyone; and then I was no longer troubled when she left very sad. I begged God to supply for my weakness, and I felt he answered me. I would see this in the following visit. Since that time, whenever I involuntarily caused anyone any trouble, I would beg God to repair it, and then I no longer tormented myself with the matter."

10. "I beg you to make an act of love to God and an invocation to all the saints; they're all my 'little' relatives up there."

11. "I want them to buy three little pagans for me; a little Marie- Louis-Martin, a little Marie-Théophane; and a little girl in between the two called Marie-Cécile."

A moment afterwards: "Rather, a little Marie-Thérèse."

She wanted this in preference to money being spent for flowers after her death.

12. "With the virgins we shall be virgins; with the doctors, doctors; with the martyrs, martyrs, because all the saints are our relatives; but those who've followed the way of spiritual childhood will always retain the charms of childhood."

she developed these thoughts.

13.  "Ever since I was young, God gave me the feeling that I would die young."

14. Looking at me tenderly:

"You really have a face! And you will always have it. I'll recognize you, there!"

15.  "God made me always desire what He wanted to give me."

16.  To all three of us:

"Don't believe that when I'm in heaven I'll let ripe plums fall into your mouths. This isn't what I had, nor what I desired. You will perhaps have great trials, but I'll send you lights which will make you appreciate and love them. You will be obliged to say like me: 'Lord, You fill us with joy with all the things You do for us.' "

17.  "Don't imagine that I'm experiencing, in dying, a living joy, such as, for example, I experienced formerly when I spent a month at Trouville or Alençon; I no longer know what living joys really are. I'm not expecting some kind of joyful feast; this isn't what attracts me. I can't think very much about the happiness of heaven; only one expectation makes my heart beat, and it is the love I shall receive and I shall be able to give. And then I think of all the good I would like to do after my death: have little children baptized, help priests, missionaries, the whole Church.

"But first console my little sisters."

"This evening, I heard some music in the distance, and I was thinking that soon I would be listening to incomparable melodies, but this feeling of joy was only passing."

18. I asked her to point out her various assignments since she was in Carmel:

"At my entrance into Carmel, I was placed in the linen-room, working with Mother Sub-prioress, Sister Marie of the Angels; besides, I had to sweep the staircase and the dormitory.

"I recall how much it cost me to ask our Mistress permission to per­form acts of mortification in the refectory, but I never gave in to my repugnances; it seemed to me that the Crucifix in the courtyard, which I could see from the linen-room window, was turned towards me, begging this sacrifice.

"It was at this time that I was going out to weed the garden in the afternoon at 4:30; this displeased Mother Prioress very much.

"After I received the Habit, I was put in charge of the refectory un­til I was eighteen; I swept it and set out the water and the beer. During the Forty-Hours devotion in 1891, 1 was assigned to the sacristy with Sister St. Stanislaus. From the month of June of the following year, I went for two months without any assignment; during this time I was painting the angels in the oratory and was companion to the Procuratrix. After these two months I was assigned to the Turn with Sister St. Raphael, while still being in charge of painting. I had these two assignments until the elections of 1896, when I asked if I could help Sister Marie of St. Joseph in the linen-room, under the cir­cumstances about which you are aware."

She then told me how others found her slow, little devoted to her duties, and how I myself believed it; and in fact, we both recalled how much I scolded her for a refectory tablecloth which she had kept in her basket for a long time without mending it. I accused her of negligence, and I was wrong, for she didn't actually have time to do it. On that oc­casion, without excusing herself, she had cried very much, when she saw that I was sad and very much displeased. Is this possible?

She told me, too, how she had suffered in the refectory with me (I was in charge), not being able to speak to me about her little affairs as she was formerly, because she didn't have permission and for other reasons.

"You had come to the point where you no longer knew me," she added.

She spoke to me, moreover, about the violence she had to do to her­self to remove the spiders' webs from the alcove of St. Alexis under the stairs (she had a horror of spiders), and a thousand other details which proved to me how faithful she had been in her tasks, and what

she had suffered from them without anyone's being aware of it.

July 14.

1.   "I read how the Israelites built the walls of Jerusalem, working with one hand and holding a sword in the other. This is what we must do: never give ourselves over entirely to our tasks."

2.   "If I had been rich, I would have found it impossible to see a poor person going hungry without giving him my possessions. And in the same way, when I gain any spiritual treasures, feeling that at this very moment there are souls in danger of being lost and falling into hell, I give them what I possess, and I have not yet found a moment when I can say: Now I'm going to work for myself."

3.   She began to recite with a heavenly expression in her voice the stanza in her poem "Rappelle-toi, " which begins with these words:

"Remember that Your holy will

 Is my repose, my only happiness."

4.   "It is not the pain it appears to be (dying of love), provided it is really it!"

5.   "What God has given me has always pleased me, even to the point that, if He had given me a choice in the matter, I would have chosen those things; even the things which appear to me less good and less beautiful than those which others had."

6.   "Oh, what poisonous praises I've seen served up to Mother Prioress! How necessary it is for a person to be detached from and elevated above herself in order not to experience any harm!"

7.   In his visit, the doctor gave us renewed hope, but she experienced only pain and said to us:

"I'm accustomed to it now! What does it matter if I remain sick for a long time! It was to spare you any anxiety that I wanted to have it over quickly."

8.   "Oh, how I love you, little Mother!"

9.   "My heart is filled with God's will, and when someone pours something on it, this doesn't penetrate its interior; it's a nothing which glides off easily, just like oil which can't mix with water. I remain always at profound peace in the depths of my heart; nothing can disturb it."

10. Looking at her emaciated hands:

"Oh, what joy I experience when seeing myself consumed!"

July 15

1.   I said: "Perhaps you'll die tomorrow (the feast of Our Lady of Mount Carmel) after you have received Holy Communion. "

"Oh, that wouldn't resemble my little way. Would you want me to leave this little way, then, in order to die? Dying after receiving Holy Communion would be too beautiful for me; little souls couldn't imitate this.

"I only hope there will be no mishaps tomorrow morning! It's things of this nature that can happen to me; for example, it's im­possible to give me Communion; God is obliged to return to the taber­nacle; understand?"

2.   She spoke to me about Blessed Théophane Vénard, who had been unable to receive Holy Communion before his death, and she heaved a deep sigh.

3.   We had made preparations for her to receive Holy Communion the next day from Sister M. Philomena's nephew who was coming to celebrate his first Mass at the Carmel and to bring her Communion af­terwards. Seeing that she was sicker than usual, we feared she would cough up blood after midnight, and so we asked her to pray that no such unfortunate incident take place to interfere with our plans. She answered:

"You know well that I cannot ask this myself, but you ask it for me .... This evening, in spite of my feelings, I was asking God for this favor in order to please my little sisters and so that the community might not be disappointed; but in my heart I told Him just the con­trary; I told Him to do just what He wanted."

4.   Seeing us decorating the infirmary:

"Ah! what trouble we go to in order to get everything ready the way it should be! How good earthly feasts really are! We bring beautiful white dresses to the little communicants, and all these have to do is to put them on; all the trouble we have gone to for their sake is hidden from them, and all they have is joy. It's no longer the same thing when we grow up."

5.   She told me about the following incident, the memory of which was the source of a great grace to her:

"Sister Marie of the Eucharist wanted to light the candles for a procession; she had no matches; however, seeing the little lamp which was ourning in tne front of the relics, she approached it. Alas, it was half out; there remained only a feeble glimmer on its blackened wick.

She succeeded in lighting her candle from it, and with this candle, she lighted those of the whole community. It was, therefore, the half-extinguished little lamp which had produced all these beautiful flames which, in their turn, could produce an infinity of others and even light

the whole universe. Nevertheless, it would always be the little lamp which would be first cause of all this light. How could the beautiful flames boast of having produced this fire, when they themselves were lighted with such a small spark?

"It is the same with the Communion of Saints. Very often, without our knowing it, the graces and lights that we receive are due to a hid­den soul, for God wills that the saints communicate grace to each other through prayer with great love, with a love much greater than that of a family, and even the most perfect family on earth. How often have I thought that I may owe all the graces I've received to the prayers of a person who begged them from God for me, and whom I shall know only in heaven.

"Yes, a very little spark will be capable of giving birth to great lights in the Church, like the Doctors and Martyrs, who will undoubtedly be higher in heaven that the spark; but how could anyone think that their glory will not become his?

"In heaven, we shall not meet with indifferent glances, because all the elect will discover that they owe to each other the graces that merited the crown for them.

The conversation was too long, and I wasn't able to take it down entirely or word for word.

July 16.

1.   "I fear you will have to suffer very much to die, " I said:

"Why fear in advance? Wait at least for it to happen before having any distress. Don't you see that I would begin to torment myself by thinking that, if persecutions and massacres come, as they are predic­ted, someone will perhaps snatch out your eyes!"

2.   "I had made a complete sacrifice of Sister Geneviève, but I can't say that I no longer desired her here. Very often in the summer, during the hour of silence before Matins, while I was seated on the terrace, I would say to myself: Ah! if only my Céline were near me! No! This would be too great a happiness for this earth!

"And this seemed to me an unrealizable dream. However, it wasn't through selfishness that I desired this happiness; it was for her soul, it was so that she walk our way. . . . And when I saw her enter here, and not only enter, but was given to me completely to be instructed in all things, when I saw that God was doing this, thus surpassing all my desires, I understood what an immensity of love He has for me.

"And so, little Mother, if a desire that is hardly expressed is an­swered in such a way, it is then impossible that all my great desires

about which I've so frequently spoken to God will not be completely answered."

3.   She repeated with an air of conviction this statement of Father Bourb's which she had read in his book: "Petites Fleurs. "

"The saints of the latter days will surpass those of the first days just as the cedars surpass the other trees."

4.   "You know all the inner recesses of my little soul."

5.   Like a little child with a bit of naughtiness in her head, she said: "I would like to give you a proof of love that nobody has ever before given you." (I wondered what she was going to do, when . . The three lines following this are erased, illegible

On August 28, 1940, at the end of her notebook, Mother Agnes of Jesus added this text:

Important remark:

When my saintly little sister told me on July 16, 1897, "You alone know all the in­ner recesses of my little soul, " I am sure that she was not excluding from this complete knowledge of her soul, Sister Marie of the Sacred Heart and Sister Geneviève of the Holy Face. Sister Marie of the Sacred Heart, to whom she owed the Blessed Virgin's smile and who had prepared her for her First Communion, and to whom we ourselves owe her goddaughter's marvelous response in Manuscript B, Story of a Soul, on Sep­tember 17, 1896. Sister Geneviève of the Holy Face, her Céline, whom she called: 'The sweet echo of my soul. '

"But she was inspired by God to tell me this in particular, so that, later on, because of the authority that would be given to me, others could place their trust entirely in what I said and wrote about her. "

Sister Agnes of Jesus August 28, 1940.

6. "If God were to say to me: If you die right now, you will have very great glory; if you die at eighty, your glory will not be as great, but it will please Me much more. I wouldn't hesitate to answer: 'My God, I want to die at eighty, for I'm not seeking my own glory but simply Your pleasure.'

"The great saints worked for the glory of God, but I'm only a little soul; I work simply for His pleasure, and I'd be glad to bear the greatest sufferings when this would be for the purpose of making Him smile only once."

July 17.

Saturday, at 2:00 in the morning, she coughed up blood: "I feel that I'm about to enter into my rest. But I feel especially that my mission is about to begin, my mission of making God loved as I love Him, of giving my little way to souls. If God answers my desires, my heaven will be spent on earth until the end of the world. Yes, I want to spend my heaven in doing good on earth. This isn't im­possible, since from the bosom of the beatific vision, the angels watch over us.

"I can't make heaven a feast of rejoicing; I can't rest as long as there are souls to be saved. But when the angel will have said: 'Time is no more!'" then I will take my rest; I'll be able to rejoice, because the number of the elect will be complete and because all will have entered

into joy and repose. My heart beats with joy at this thought."

July 18.

1.   "God would not have given me the desire of doing good on earth after my death, if He didn't will to realize it; He would rather have given me the desire to rest in Him."

2.   "I have only inconveniences to put up with, not sufferings."  

July 19.

1.   I said: "I'm going to water the garden this evening. " (It was the beginning of recreation.)

"But it would be much better to water me!" "What are you?" I asked.

"I'm a little seed; no one knows yet what will develop."

2.   "Just now I wanted to ask Sister Marie of the Sacred Heart, who had come back from a visit with Father Youf, what he had said about my condition after his visit to me. I was thinking to myself: This would perhaps do me some good; it would console me to know. When I thought the matter over further, I said: No, it's only curiosity; I don't want to do anything in order to learn what he said, and since God hasn't permitted her to tell me herself, this is a sign He doesn't want me to know. And I avoided bringing the conversation back to this subject lest Sister Marie be forced to tell me. I wouldn't have been happy."

3.   She told me she dried her face carefully, because Sister Marie of

the Sacred Heart noticed she was perspiring a lot.

July 20.

1. She coughed up blood at three in the morning.

"What would you have done had one of us been sick instead of you? Would you have come to the infirmary during the recreation periods ?" I asked.

"I would have gone directly to recreation, without asking for any information. However, I'd have done this quite simply so that no one would notice the sacrifice I was making. If I had come to the in­firmary, it would have been to please others and not to satisfy myself. I would do all this in order to accomplish my little task and to draw down grace upon you, which the seeking of myself would certainly not accomplish. I myself would have drawn great strength from this

sacrifice. If at times through weakness, I would have acted otherwise, I would not have been discouraged. I would have been careful to make up for my failures by depriving myself still more, without allowing this to be seen by others."

2.   "God allows Himself to be represented by whomever he wills, but this is of no importance. With you as Prioress now, there would have been the human element, and I prefer the divine. Yes, I say this from the bottom of my heart; I'm happy to die in the arms of Mother Prioress because she represents God for me."

3.   "Mortal sin wouldn't withdraw my confidence from me; don't forget to tell the story of the sinful woman! This will prove that I'm not mistaken."

4.   I was saying that I feared she would suffer death's agonies:

"If by the agonies of death you mean the awful sufferings which manifest themselves at the last moment through sighs which are fright­ful to others, I've never seen them here in those who have died under my eyes. Mother Geneviève experienced them in her soul but not in her body."

5.   "You don't know how much I love you, and I'll prove it to you."

6.   "They plague me with questions; it reminds me of Joan of Arc before her judges. It seems to me I answer with the same sincerity."

July 21.

1. "When I see you, little Mother, it gives me great pleasure You never bore me; on the contrary. I was saying recently that while I'm obliged to give so often, you are the one who supports me."

2. "If God should scold me, even only a little bit, will not cry.  However, if He doesn't scold me at all, if He welcomes me with a smile, I'll cry."

3. "Oh, I would like to know the story of all the saints in heaven- however, nobody will have to tell it to me as it would take too long' When approaching a saint, I'll have to know his name and his whole life in one single glance."

4. "I've never acted like Pilate, who refused to listen to the truth. I've always said to God: O my God, I really want to listen to You- I beg You to answer me when I say humbly: What is truth? Make me  see things as they really are. Let nothing cause me to be deceived "

5. We were telling her she was fortunate in having been chosen by God to tell souls about the way of confidence; she answered :

"What does it matter whether it's I or someone else who gives this way to souls! as long as the way is pointed out; the instrument is unimportant."

July 22.

1. Sister Marie of the Sacred Heart said: "You are attended to with much love."              

"Yes, I see that. It's an image of God's love for me. I've never given Him anything else besides love, and so now He gives me love, and that's not all. Very soon He'll give me more love.

"I'm very much touched by this, for it's like a ray, or rather a flash of lightning in the midst of darkness; but only like a flash of light­ning!"

2. She repeated with a smile this remark of Father Youf after she had made her confession:

"If the angels were to sweep heaven, the dust would be made of diamonds!"

July 23.

1.    We were speaking to her about Associations.

"I'm so close to heaven that all this seems sad."

2.  One of us had said and read something to her, thinking it had given her some consolation and joy in her great trial. "Did your trial cease for a moment?"

"No, it was as though you were singing."

3.    I was always telling her of my fear that she'd have to suffer much more:

"We who run in the way of love shouldn't be thinking of sufferings that can take place in the future; it's a lack of confidence, it's like meddling in the work of creation."

4.   "At the time of Papa's trials, I had a violent desire to suffer. One night, knowing he was sicker than usual, Sister Marie of the Angels noticed I was very sad, and she consoled me as well as she could. I said: 'Oh, Sister Marie of the Angels, I feel I can suffer more!' She looked at me, surprised, and has often reminded me of it since."

(Sister Marie of the Angels had never forgotten that night. Our little Saint was still a postulant and was ready to retire; she was sitting on her bed in her nightgown, her beautiful hair was falling over her shoulders. "Her appearance and her entire person had something about them so noble and so beautiful that I thought I was looking at a virgin from heaven. ")

5.  "I remember one day when we were at the height of our trials, I met Sister Marie of the Sacred Heart after I'd swept the dormitory staircase (on the linen-room side). We had permission to speak, and she stopped me. I told her I had a lot of strength, and that at the moment I was thinking of that statement of Mme. Swetchine. It had so penetrated my whole being that I seemed on fire with it: 'Resignation is still distinct from God's will; there is the same difference between the two as there is between union and unity. In union there are still two; in unity there is only one.' "

(I'm not sure if I have quoted the text with total fidelity.)

6.   "I was obliged to ask for Papa's cure on the day of my Profession; however, it was impossible for me to say anything else but this: My God, I beg You, let it be Your will that Papa be cured!"

7.   "At the time of our great trial, how happy I was to say this verse in choir: 'In te, Domine, speravi!' "

July 24.

1.   She had been sent some beautiful fruit but was unable to eat any of it. She took each one in her hands, one after the other, as though offering them to someone and then she said:

"The Holy Family has been well served. St. Joseph and the little Jesus have each received a peach and two prunes." Then she asked in a low tone of voice: "I've touched them with pleasure, and perhaps that's not good? I get so much pleasure out of touching fruit, especially peaches, and I like to see them near me." After I had reassured her, she continued:

"The Blessed Virgin had her share, too. When I'm given milk with rum, I offer it to St. Joseph; I say to myself: Oh, how much good this will do to St. Joseph!

"In the refectory, I always considered to whom I should offer the food. Sweets were for little Jesus; strong foods were for St. Joseph, and I didn't forget the Blessed Virgin either. But when I missed anything, for example, when they forgot to give me sauce or salad, I was very happy, for then I could really offer it to the Holy Family, being really deprived of what I was offering."

2.   "When God wills that we be deprived of something, there is nothing we can do about it; we must be content to go this way. Sometimes Sister Marie of the Sacred Heart placed my bowl of salad so close to Sister Marie of the Incarnation, that I couldn't consider it my own, and I didn't touch it.

"Ah, little Mother, what 'poor' omelet they served me during my life! They were convinced I liked it when it was all dried up. You must pay particular attention after my death not to give bad fare to the poor Sisters."

July 25.

1. I was telling her that I was coming to a point where I desired her death so that she wouldn 't suffer any longer:

"Yes, but you mustn't say that, little Mother, because suffering is exactly what attracts me in life."

2.     "Are peaches in season? Are they selling plums in the streets now? I don't know what's happening anymore.

When we reach our declining years,

We lose both our memory and our head.

3.     Uncle sent her some grapes; she ate a few and said:

"How good those grapes are! However, I don't like to eat what comes from my relatives. Formerly, when they brought me bouquets of flowers for my little Jesus, I could never take them until Mother Prioress had said so."

4.     Upon her request, I had her kiss her Crucifix, and I handed it to her in the customary way:

"Ah! but I kiss His face!"

Then gazing at a picture of the Infant Jesus, which Sister Marie of the Trinity had brought from the Carmel at Paris, she said:

"It appears to me that this little Jesus here is saying: 'You will come to heaven very soon; I'm the one who is telling you!' "

5.     I asked: "Where's the Thief now? You don't speak of Him anymore. " She placed her hand on her heart, saying:

"He's there! He's in my heart!"

6.     I was telling her that death was a sad affair, that I would suffer a lot when she died. She answered tenderly:

"The Blessed Virgin held her dead Jesus on her knees, and He was disfigured, covered with blood! You will see something different! Ah! I don't know how she stood it! Imagine if they were to bring me to you in this state, what would become of you? 'Responde mihi!'

7.    After she had confided several little faults for which she re­proached herself, she asked me if she had offended God. I answered simply that these little sins were nothing and that she had done me a lot of good in telling me about them; she appeared very much touched and she said later:

"When I was listening to you, I was reminded of Father Alexis; your own words penetrated my heart as much as his."

Then she began to cry; I gathered up these tears, drying them with a

little piece of linen, which Sister Geneviève keeps as a relic.

8.  Sister Geneviève gave her a little geranium which had been on the table for a long time so that she could cast it at her holy pictures pin­ned to the bedcurtains:

"Never cast little faded flowers . . . only little flowers 'freshly blooming.' "

9.    Someone suggested a rather noisy distraction; she answered with a smile:

"No little boys' games! No little girls' games either! Just the games of little angels."

10.  "I look at the grapes, and I say to myself: They are beautiful, they look good. Then I eat one; I don't give this one to Jesus, because He's the one giving it to me."

11. "I'm like a real little child during my sickness; I don't think of anything; I'm content to go to heaven, and that's it!

12. "The first time I was given grapes in the infirmary, I said to Jesus: 'How good the grapes are! I can't understand why You are waiting so long to take me, since I am a little grape, and they tell me I'm so ripe!'"

13. With reference to spiritual direction:

"I think we have to be very careful not to seek ourselves, for we can get a broken heart that way, and afterwards, it can be said of us in all truth: 'The keepers . . . wounded me; they took away my veil from me. . . . When I had passed by them a little, I found Him whom my soul loves.'

"I think that if this soul had humbly asked the keepers where her Beloved was, they would have shown her where He was to be found; however, because she wanted to be admired, she got into trouble, and she lost simplicity of heart."

14. "You are my light!"

15. "Listen to this little, very funny story: One day, after I received the Habit, Sister St. Vincent de Paul saw me with Mother Prioress, and she exclaimed: 'Oh! how well she looks! Is this big girl strong! Is she plump!' I left, quite humbled by the compliment, when Sister Magdalene stopped me in front of the kitchen and said: 'But what is becoming of you, poor little Sister Thérèse of the Child Jesus! You are fading away before our eyes! If you continue at this pace, with an appearance that makes one tremble, you won't observe the Rule very long!' I couldn't get over hearing, one after the other, two such con­trary appraisals. Ever since that moment, I have never attached any importance to the opinion of creatures, and this impression has so developed in me that, at this present time, reproaches and com­pliments glide over me without leaving the slightest imprint."

July 26.

1.   "I dreamed last night that I was at a bazaar with Papa, and there I saw some pretty little white cushions that tempted me as a place to put my pins; but in the end I told myself that they made the same things in Carmel, and I asked for a little music box."

2.   She was telling me that around December 8, 1892, she was oc­cupied with Sister Martha; in 1893, she was helping Mother Marie de Gonzague in the novitiate, and after the election of 1896, she was placed in complete charge of the novices.

3.   "Virtue shines forth naturally, and as soon as it is no longer present, I can see this."

July27.

1.   She didn’t  want me to forget to take some drops of a medicine which had been prescribed for me:

"Oh, you must strengthen yourself; thirty drops tonight, don't forget!"

2.   I asked: "Do we tire you out?" "No, because you are very nice people."

1.     She was telling us with a smile that she had a dream in which she was being carried to the heated room, between two torches in order to celebrate the feast of our Father Superior

4. The community was doing the laundry:

"Around one o'clock in the afternoon, I said to myself: They're really tired out from doing the washing! And I prayed to God to con­sole all of you, so that you would work in peace and love. When I saw how sick I was, I rejoiced at having to suffer like all of you."

5.   In the evening, she recalled for me St. John of the Cross' words: "'Tear through the veil of this sweet encounter!' I've always ap­plied these words to the death of love that I desire. Love will not wear out the veil of my life; it will tear it suddenly.

"With what longing and what consolation I repeated from the beginning of my religious life these other words of St. John of the Cross: 'It is of the highest importance that the soul practice love very much in order that, being consumed rapidly, she may be scarcely retained here on earth but promptly reach the vision of her God face to face.'"

6. With reference to the difficulties I foresaw with regard to the publication of her Life:

"Well, I say with Joan of Arc: 'And the will of God will be carried out in spite of the envy of men!' "

7.    I said: "Soon I will see your beloved little face no more; I'll see only your little soul. "

"It's much more beautiful."

8.    I said to her: "When I think that we are about to lose you. "

""But you will not lose me . . . not smart! . . ."

9.    She said to Sister Geneviève, who was crying:

"And she really sees that the same thing will happen to her (death), and see how she's seized with fear now!"

10.  After she had offered a cluster of grapes to the Infant Jesus:

"I offered Him these grapes to give Him the desire to take me because I believe I'm this type."

The skin wasn’t hard and it was very golden; tasting one grape: "Yes, this is my type."

11.  "Little Mother is my telephone; I've only to cock my little ear when she comes, and I know everything."

12.  "I'm no egoist; it's God whom I love, not myself!"

13.  "According to my natural inclinations, I prefer to die, but I rejoice in death only because it's God's will for me."

14.  "I've never asked God for the favor of dying young; I'm sure, then, that at this moment He's accomplishing His own will."

15.  She was having difficulty breathing, and I showed my sympathy and sorrow for her:

"Don't be disturbed; if I can't breathe, God will give me the strength to bear it. I love Him! He'll never abandon me."

16.   She told me how she'd worn her little iron cross for a long time and that it made her sick. She told me, too, that it wasn't God's wilt for her, nor for us to throw ourselves into great mortifications; this sickness was proof of it.

17.  With reference to some massages prescribed for her by the doctor:

"Ah, to be 'trounced' as I was, it's worse than anything!"

18.  "From June 9 onward, I was sure I would die very soon."

July 29.

1.    "I would like to go!" I asked: "Where?"

"Above, in the blue heavens!"

2.    A Sister reported this reflection made during recreation: "Why are they talking of Sister Thérèse as though she were a saint? She practiced vertue,true, but it wasn't a virtue acquired through humiliations and especially sufferings. "She said to me afterwards:

"And I who suffered so much from my most tender childhood! Ah, how much good it does me to

see the opnion of creatures, especially at the moment of my death!"

2.     One of the Sisters thought she was pleasing Thérèse by bringing her a certain object, but it had just the opposite effect. She showed her displeasure, thinking someone had been deprived of the object in question, but she was sorry immediately and begged pardon with tears in her eyes:

"Oh, I really beg pardon; I've acted through selfishness. Please pray for me!" A little later:

"Oh, how happy I am to see myself imperfect and to have such need of God's mercy at the moment of my death!"

4.    She coughed up blood in the morning and at three o'clock in the afternoon.

5.    We expressed our fears that she'd die during the night:

"I'll not die during the night, believe me; I have had the desire not to die at night."

6.    "Two days after the entrance of Sister Marie of the Trinity I had to be taken care of for a sore throat. God permitted that the novices should exhaust me. Sister Marie of the Eucharist told me that the same thing happened to me as happens to preachers."

7.    "To be my historian, you'll have to spare yourself."

8.    "Well, 'baby' is about to die! For the last three days, it's true that I've suffered very much; tonight, it's as though I were in purgatory."

9.    "Very often, when I'm able to do so, I repeat my Act of Oblation.'"

10. I confided some trouble I was having:

"It's you who sowed in my little soul the seed of confidence; you don't remember that?"

11.  I was holding her up while they were arranging her pillows:

"I'm resting my head on the heart of my little Mother."

12.  She hadn't asked for a certain remedy, and we believed it was done out of virtue; however, she hadn't thought of mortifying herself in the matter. When we were admiring her action, she said:

"I'm tired of this earth! We receive compliments when we don't merit them and reproaches when we don't merit them either. All that! . . . All that! . . ."

13.  "What is our humiliation at the moment is our glory later on, even in this life."

14. "I haven't the capacity for enjoyment; I've always been like that; but I have a great capacity for suffering. Formerly, when I had a lot of trouble, I experienced a big appetite in the refectory, but when I had joy, it was just the contrary: impossible to eat."

July 30.

1.   "... My body has always embarrassed me; I've never been at ease in it. . . even when very small, I was ashamed of it."

2.   For having rendered her a little service: "Thanks, Mamma!"

3.    "I would not want to have picked up a pin to avoid purgatory. Everything I did was done to please God, to save souls for Him."

4.    "Looking at a picture of Fathers Bellière and Roulland:

"I'm much prettier than they are!"

5.    Someone had promised to buy some Chinese babies for her.

"It's not Chinese babies I want, it's black ones!"

6.    "It's bitter for me when you don't look at me."

7.    The flies tormented her, but she wouldn 't kill them:

"I always give them freedom. They alone have caused me misery during my sickness. I have no enemies, and since God recommends that we pardon our enemies, I'm happy to find this opportunity for doing so."

8.    "It's very hard to suffer so much; this must prevent you from thinking?

"No, it still allows me to tell God that I love Him; I find that this is enough."

9.   Pointing to a glass containing a very distasteful medicine that looked like a delicious red-currant liqueur:

"This glass is an image of my whole life. Yesterday, Sister Thérèse of St. Augustine said: 'I hope you're drinking some good liqueur!' I answered: 'O Sister Thérèse, it's the worst possible thing to drink!' Well, little Mother, this is what happens in the eyes of creatures. It has always seemed to them I was drinking exquisite liqueurs, and it was bitterness. But no! My life hasn't been bitter, because I knew how to turn all bitterness into something joyful and sweet."

10.  "If you want to give Doctor de Cornière a souvenir of me, give him a picture with the words: 'What you have done to the least of my brethren, that you have done to me.'

11.  Someone had given her a fan from the Carmel of Saigon; she used it to shoo away the flies. When it became very hot, she began fanning her holy pictures pinned to her bedcurtains, and she fanned us, too:

"I'm fanning the saints instead of myself; I'm fanning you to do you some good because you, too, are saints!"

12.  Doctor de Cornière told us to give her five or six spoonfuls of Tisserand water, and she begged Sister Geneviève to give her five; tur­ning to me, she said:

"Always the least; right, Mamma?"

13.   "Don't tell Father Ducellier that I've only a few more days to live; I'm still not weak enough to die, and after these visits when I con­tinue living, others are 'kaput.' "

14.  She was smiling at me, after a visit from one of the nuns. I said: "Rest now; close your eyes!" (Four o'clock.)

"No, I just love looking at you!"

15.  I was trying to catch a fly that was bothering her: "What will you do to it?" I’ll kill it” Oh ! no, I beg you !”

"I'll kill it." "Oh! no, I beg you!"

16.  "Want to prepare me for extreme Unction?" Looking at me with a smile:

"I'm not thinking of anything! Pray to God so that I receive it as well as it can be received."

17. She told me what Father Superior had said to her before the ceremony:

" 'You're going to be like a little child who has just received bap­tism.' Then, he spoke to me only about love. Oh! how touched I was!"

18. She was showing us her hands with reverence after the Extreme Unction. I was collecting as usual the little pieces of skin from her desiccated lips, but that day she said to me:

"I am swallowing my little skins today because I've received Ex­treme Unction and Holy Viaticum."

It was afternoon. She had hardly any time to make her thanksgiving when some Sisters came to see her. She told me in the evening:

"How they came to disturb me after Communion! They stared me in the face . . . but in order not to be provoked, I thought of Our Lord, who retreated into solitude and was unable to prevent the people from following Him there. And He didn't want to send them

away.1 wanted to imitate Him by receiving the Sisters kindly."

July 31.

1. We were still imagining a date on which she would die, for in­stance, August 6, the Transfiguration of Our Lord, or August 15, the Assumption of Our Lady, and she said:

"Don't talk of a date; it will always be a feast day!"

2. After telling us La Fontaine's fable:* "The Miller and his three Sons, " she said:

"I have two boots, but I have no bag! This means I'm not near to dying."

3.     They had brought down her paillasse to lay her body out after her death. She noticed it when someone opened the door of the cell ad­joining the infirmary, and she cried out with joy:

"Ah! there's our paillasse! It's going to be very close to place my corpse on. . . . My little nose was always good!"

4.    "What is baby to do in order to die? But what shall I die from?"

5.    "Yes, I'll steal. . . . Many things will disappear from heaven because I'll bring them to you. I'll be a little thief; I'll take whatever I please."

6.    Looking at the Blessed Virgin's statue and pointing to her little cup with her finger:

"When it happened last night (a great coughing up of blood), I believed you were coming to take me away!"

7.    We all fell asleep while watching by her bedside: "Peter, James, and John!"

8.    "I tell you that I'll have this for a long time if the Blessed Virgin does not intervene."

9.    Lovingly:

"Let's not chat together; it's really enough to peep at each other!"

10.             The Thief will come

11.             And carry me off     

                  Alleluia!

11. We were discussing the few days of life she had left:

"It's still the patient who knows best! And I feel I still have a long time."

* * *

12. "I thought that I should be very good and should wait for the Thief very nicely."

13. "I have found happiness and joy on earth, but solely in suffering, for I've suffered very much here below; you must make it known to souls. . . .

"Since my First Communion, since the time I asked Jesus to change all the consolations of this earth into bitterness for me, I had a per­petual desire to suffer. I wasn't thinking, however, of making suf­fering my joy; this is a grace that was given to me later on. Up until then, it was like a spark hidden beneath the ashes, and like blossoms on a tree that must become fruit in time. But seeing my blossoms always falling, that is, allowing myself to fall into tears whenever I suffered, I said to myself with astonishment and sadness: But I will never go beyond the stage of desires!"

14. "This evening, when you told me that Dr. de Cornière believed I still had a month or more to live, I couldn't get over it! It was so dif­ferent from yesterday when he was saying that I had to be anointed that very day! However, it left me in deep peace. What does it matter if I remain a long time on earth? If I suffer very much and always more, I will not fear, for God will give me strength; He'll never aban­don me."

15. I said: "If you live a long time now, no one will understand anything. "

"What does it matter! Everybody can misunderstand me, that's what I've always desired; and I shall have these misunderstandings till the end of my life."

16.   "God has done what He willed to do, He has misled everybody. He will come like a thief at an hour when no one is thinking of Him; that's my idea."