From sr Francoise-Therese (Leonie) to Mother Agnes of Jesus – April 29, 1918

From Sr Francoise-Therese (Leonie) to Mother Agnes of Jesus – April 29th 1918

29th April 1918

I’m suffering morally from boredom, weariness, and extreme aversion, and Jesus is increasingly hidden. My only ray of light (and even this is faint in the usual languid state that I’m in) is to think, “Might this be the last process of purification that Jesus imposes on me before coming to steal me away?” And even the incertitude of this distresses me instead of comforting me. So what can I do, other than surrender myself like a tiny child into her loving Mother’s arms? . . . . But it’s so difficult, especially when we feel quite abandoned by the One we love, or would like to love. Who knows if this so-called desire for love, void of positive actions, isn’t just wishful thinking.

Can you, little Mother, see me “falling into God’s arms empty-handed” as it says in the Holy Gospel? It might be very bold of me to say this, but to this day I’ve never been afraid of God. I can’t even understand those who are afraid, because it’s our Saviour Jesus who will judge us. So may my adored Eagle come very quickly and swoop upon His insignificant little creature.

Pray for me. I’d so love to delight in suffering but my cowardliness is such that I feel despair and deep sadness. I lack the strength to bounce back. If I wasn’t helped with the duties in the refectory by one of our white-veiled Sisters, I wouldn’t be able to stay there, for I can no longer stand any amount of tiredness.